Decades

I distinctly remember not that long ago listening to Prince’s “1999” and marveling that we were actually going into the year 2000. THE FUTURE.

Growing up teachers always made a big deal in my classes because we were the, “Class of 2000”, the first graduating class of the millenium. I distinctly remember telling my then best friend one day, “OMG we have a few more years here then it will be Jr. high, then high school then we are graduating!!” I was probably in 5th grade…yes ladies and gents I have been overthinking life ALWAYS.

So what lessons did I learn those first 10 years of the space age 2000’s?

There were harsh ones.. like being assaulted (grabbed) while waiting for a bus and subsequently not wanting to go to college anymore. Leaving an abusive relationship after 7 years. Watching my mom be diagnosed with a rare disease. And eventually starting a job I absolutely hated.

But there were beautiful ones too. Learning I was strong enough to leave a bad situation and eventually learning not everyone can do that. Immersing myself into music and meeting amazing people I’m still friends and some guy I live with now . 🙂 Having nights with my sister so wild and fun they could have easily been pulled right from “The Hills”. Taking my mental health seriously for the first time and visiting a therapist. Watching my mom reprioritze her life and leave so much anger behind.

I blinked and it was 2010. Literally blinked. This was supposed to be THE decade, the one where all the pieces came together and I lived my best damn life. Right?!

I lost my crazy nights, I traded them for 6 more years at the job I hated. Oh and my weekends too. But the most debilitating thing by far was loss. I lost my mom, I lost my sister I lost my entire way of being in this world and I spent the last half of this decade trying to recover. Trying to pick up the pieces and figure life out again. And in my heart of hearts I feel like I didn’t accomplish shit the past 5 years especially. I feel like I have been on pause and I’ve made very little forward motion. I feel like I failed. And it hurts…

I am hard on myself, it is my greatest curse. I am not where I want to be. But does that mean I’ve truly gone nowhere? My negative mind says, “YUP!”. That loud annoying voice that reminds me daily that I’m an introverted failure. “If you were just more like ____. “If you just acted a bit more outgoing/personable/friendly.” Oh and my favorite, “If you weren’t so anxiety filed maybe you’d actually HAVE a life.” That inner voice is great isn’t it?

So what have I done this decade?

I got a job at an amazing place and I wouldn’t have gotten it without having worked that job I hated. I learned how to drive. I fell in love with my longtime friend and I moved out of my house for the first time with him. I got medals for running races. I went to Maui, I went to Walt Disney World for the first time in my life, and then again! I became a Disneyland AP again because I realized my love of Disney far outlived and outweighed a relationship I didn’t care about anymore. I bought a guitar and learned how to play it. I stood on stage with my friends and backstage at some of the largest music festivals and the Hollywood Bowl. I got to experience things that many fans don’t get to see, ever. I was an honored guest at Disneyland and go to experience what it’s like to win a contest. I stood in the Disneyland hotel, free. I went to at least 12 concerts and countless live shows. There is probably more, probably a lot more, but that’s what comes to mind. Oh and Reggie, how can I forget Reggie.

I still look at that and my mind goes, “Well…you didn’t do anything important though.” *sigh* My mind will never let me be great. So I have to be great despite it.

My urge is to cap this off with a lot of positivity about the upcoming decade and how it’s going to be the best yet because I’m going to use all my knowledge from the previous ones. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I talk to much, I think to much, I need to just do it.

So instead, I’ll end this with an ask. I’ll ask that you be a little kinder with yourself and not look at yourself so harshly, because I assure you, you’re probably doing awesome. And I hope there is someone in your life that will tell you as such.

And if there isn’t, I’ll do it for you. It’s not as bad as you think, you’re going at your own pace in your own race. You’ll get where you need to go. You’ll find your way.