Dreaming of you

Last night after our Cinco de Mayo dinner my boyfriend and I were channel surfing and happened across Selena. As a young Mexican girl that movie and Selena were instant cult worship-worthy. My parents used to watch Don Francisco (even though my dad doesn’t speak spanish…..) and they were way into Selena before she was cool. (I’m joking there, but they did like her way before she blew up.)

I have been sick was a supposed “viral throat infection” since Tuesday. I say supposed because I think the doc diagnosed me wrong. I wake up every morning super congested and feeling like doodoo. This morning was no exception. So I woke up around 9am and was able to fall back asleep around 10am. Then I had a dream with my sister Mercy.

In 2014 my mom and sister passed away within 6 months of each other. My mother passed away in March a week before her birthday, my sister passed away in October the day after my own birthday. This fact shapes a lot of who I am, and my current “journey”. It also is a source a depression, sadness (and still) upheaval in my life. You’re going to hear about them a lot. I’m much better then I was, but I’m still not “ok”. I may never be “ok”.

I have 3 older sisters but my sister Mercy (yes that’s her real name) was closest to me in age and by far the only true best friend I have ever had. (I’m the youngest in the family)  My sister was 38 when she passed away, she was born with a congenital heart defect and had many open heart surgeries. The doctors said she’d live 6 months so…I guess 38 years is damn good.

See that is what I’m supposed to say. “We were lucky to have her as long as we did.” “I’m lucky I even got to know her” “She’s at peace now and now sick” All true, but fuck that shit man…I lost my BEST FRIEND. Just writing that has me crying my eyes out. This shit isn’t a Hallmark card. My advice when dealing with people that have lost someone is to say “I am here for you, to listen to you”, “I love you”. DON’T give me the above statements. Hell maybe it’s just me…maybe I’m the only one that can’t stomach the “They’re in a better place” shit. Mind you, I BELIEVE THAT, wholeheartedly, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want my sister HERE with me, living my life with me. I want to text her and call her and send her funny meme’s. I want to talk about Total Divas with her and tell her all I’ve done and been up to. AND I CAN’T. I can, I talk to air, but she can’t respond to me.

Wow, I really derailed this post. But all of this is actually related. Sorry, I literally don’t tell anyone else the stuff above besides my boyfriend. Because I feel like I can’t…

So yes, I had a dream with her. I don’t remember the beginning clearly. I know I was talking to her and dumping out makeup bags. I just know at one point she showed me a video and it was of us putting gas in her car. I think it was when we were still going out. In the video I’m acting silly and just generally super happy. But then she says oh I think there’s something else at the end. Then the camera flips and its my sister in NYC. She’s like at a souvenir store goofing off trying on silly hats. Then I wake up from the dream.

My sister visited a lot of places but as far as I remember NYC wasn’t one of them. My interpretation of this dream… 1. she knows I miss her. I am dead serious last night before I went to bed I thought to myself, “I haven’t had a dream with them in awhile.”. So, she came to visit. Also, with her being in NYC I think she’s trying to tell me she’s still alive exploring. Because my sister went A LOT of different places in her life. She was a free spirit…I’m trying to be like her but it’s hard.

Now we circle back to the title, “Dreaming of you” by Selena. See…it all kind of made sense.

I have no clue what I am doing…

Usually I’ll buy a t-shirt on a whim, not a domain name and blog. That’s a new one. A long time ago in another land I had a domain name and a little hosted website. It was about shopping. Done in crude HTML and pastel blue and hot pink, the site was me rating my favorite places to shop. Back then I think I had a better handle on the chaos, feeling totally lost and inept didn’t bug me. Right now I’m having a mini heart attack cause I can’t figure out how to even set up a blog.

Is that what “growing up” does to you? Makes you afraid to venture out of your comfort zone and try new things. Well, I don’t know about YOU but it sure as hell did that to me. Somewhere in my late teens I decided I couldn’t do anything anymore, and I stopped learning new things. I went  a step further and I just stopped being myself. I was in a shithole relationship but I can hardly keep blaming that. (Catch me on a bad night and I will be…)

Everyone’s life can be a beautiful glossy highly pigmented instagram post. Mine is no exception, I have these moments of beauty, clarity and joy. I also have moments of feeling like utter shit, completely lost and feeling totally incapable of “adulting”. What is the reality then? Because I choose not to post pictures of me sobbing in the corner because I’m missing my mom/sister on insta make me inauthentic? Or does the fact that I’m a staunch feminist who happens to ADORE Disney princesses and Barbie make me a bad feminist? WHY DO WE CONSTANTLY HAVE TO BE PUT IN A BOX? Goddamnit.

I’ve honestly had this internal struggle since I was a teenager. I used to be very anti-makeup. I felt makeup was FAKE and a MASK and your true beauty should always shine through and it was anti-girlpower blah blah. “Oh wait, makeup hides zits? Hold the phone….ok well, it’s not so bad..hey my eyes look awesome in eyeliner, omg AQUA eyeshadow?!” By the time I was in my 20’s and drowning in MAC I had a much different opinion on it all.

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE OURSELVES. So I am a happy, depressed, fairytale loving feminist, who wants to just be herself in a world that loves to shove you in a box. Now please, I am unique cause every person is but I don’t claim to be this unconventional person either. I’m just myself, whoever the hell that is.

So I’ll just say it, some days my life will be totally insta-worthy and cool, other days I’ll be depressed af. I just want a space where I can be both. I just want a space where I can be ME. I’m still looking for my place in this world, and I’m still becoming whoever I was I was meant to be.

Hi, my name is Malinda and I have NO CLUE what I’m doing.