Tag: being lost

Grief doesn’t define me, but it does

Grief doesn’t define me, but it does

August is hard.

September is hard.

December is hard

March is hard.

Lets just say 12/12 months of the year are hard.

I hardly ever share my feelings about losing my sister or mother. Maybe about the situations that have arisen because of losing them, but hardly ever directly about not having them in my life anymore. I will say X is frustrating me long before I will tell you I’m feeling sad and missing one or both of them.

Because I don’t want to seem dramatic, or stuck in the past… what can you say anyway to make me feel better? Let me just not say anything, let me just sit in my sadness and cry by myself, or maybe to Adam, maybe.

There is a hole in my heart the size of my sister and a hole in my safety the size of my mother.  The loss of each was painful in different ways. And if I spoke enough about it, you might think I miss my sister MORE then my mother, but that’s not the case. The losses were just different. So, so different.

I have really been noticing how hard it is for me to be happy now. How impossible it is to sustain happiness for long periods of time. Happiness is always slipping through my fingers like sand. The more I reflect on this, the more I realize that there is just a massive part of me that is empty, that’s where my sister is in my heart.

But I never speak the words and if I do, I downplay the pain. I act like a trooper. “Look at me, getting through my life!” but on the inside, I’m just crying. I want to roll up in a little ball and wish my sister back here with me, and that actually happens more then anyone knows.

I lost my best friend on earth. The person that knew me best. The person that understood me best. The person that knew everything. Words cannot express that loss. Nothing I type or say could truly feel like it was equal to what I am feeling.

I try so hard to live despite this pain. To try to make my life as full and rich as magical as I can. I do my best to try because SHE can’t live her life anymore. And I have made so many moves I should be so proud of, I try to be proud I really do, but my heart is still incomplete.

And there is a part in me, that just wants my sister back. My heart want’s something I literally can never have, but the feeling is relentless.

Though I have embraced some of the things I lost in growing up (i.e. Disney) there are things that I still avoid because they are drenched in her memory. I pulled myself out of a scene I still love, I can’t listen to music I love so much because every time I go back to it, it feels like i am opening a wound and torturing my soul. Because the person that understood this stuff MOST is not here anymore.

You cannot sit in sadness because it will drown you. It will suck any color from your life and leave you with black and white memories and wishes that can never come true. But maybe I need to sit in it more. Maybe I need to say it more and stop acting like I am ok, stop worrying about making others uncomfortable with my grief.

The innocuous question, “How many siblings do you have?” is literally the question I hate most in life. HOW do I answer that?!

“I have 3 but one passed away”

“I have 2 alive but my sister closest to me passed away”

“One sister lives in O.C. the other lives up north…”

You can see the discomfort on someones face that second you mention death. The, “Oh shit I didn’t mean to bring that up” look. All in good spirit and not in a rude way. But I hate making people feel that way. I hate even dealing with any of this. But then if I just answer, “I have 3 sisters” that feels like a lie too. Like I’m PRETENDING everything is ok.

If people knew how often something made me sad because it reminded me of her, they’d probably think I was a depressed emo girl. They’d probably think I need to get over it. So I say nothing and shove it all down.

I am TRYING to rebuild that lost part of me. I don’t know how though But please believe I am trying SO hard. I’m not doing a good job tbh. Because I just want my sister back, even in this moment.

I don’t know if I will ever be whole again.

I have no clue what I am doing…

I have no clue what I am doing…

Usually I’ll buy a t-shirt on a whim, not a domain name and blog. That’s a new one. A long time ago in another land I had a domain name and a little hosted website. It was about shopping. Done in crude HTML and pastel blue and hot pink, the site was me rating my favorite places to shop. Back then I think I had a better handle on the chaos, feeling totally lost and inept didn’t bug me. Right now I’m having a mini heart attack cause I can’t figure out how to even set up a blog.

Is that what “growing up” does to you? Makes you afraid to venture out of your comfort zone and try new things. Well, I don’t know about YOU but it sure as hell did that to me. Somewhere in my late teens I decided I couldn’t do anything anymore, and I stopped learning new things. I went  a step further and I just stopped being myself. I was in a shithole relationship but I can hardly keep blaming that. (Catch me on a bad night and I will be…)

Everyone’s life can be a beautiful glossy highly pigmented instagram post. Mine is no exception, I have these moments of beauty, clarity and joy. I also have moments of feeling like utter shit, completely lost and feeling totally incapable of “adulting”. What is the reality then? Because I choose not to post pictures of me sobbing in the corner because I’m missing my mom/sister on insta make me inauthentic? Or does the fact that I’m a staunch feminist who happens to ADORE Disney princesses and Barbie make me a bad feminist? WHY DO WE CONSTANTLY HAVE TO BE PUT IN A BOX? Goddamnit.

I’ve honestly had this internal struggle since I was a teenager. I used to be very anti-makeup. I felt makeup was FAKE and a MASK and your true beauty should always shine through and it was anti-girlpower blah blah. “Oh wait, makeup hides zits? Hold the phone….ok well, it’s not so bad..hey my eyes look awesome in eyeliner, omg AQUA eyeshadow?!” By the time I was in my 20’s and drowning in MAC I had a much different opinion on it all.

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE OURSELVES. So I am a happy, depressed, fairytale loving feminist, who wants to just be herself in a world that loves to shove you in a box. Now please, I am unique cause every person is but I don’t claim to be this unconventional person either. I’m just myself, whoever the hell that is.

So I’ll just say it, some days my life will be totally insta-worthy and cool, other days I’ll be depressed af. I just want a space where I can be both. I just want a space where I can be ME. I’m still looking for my place in this world, and I’m still becoming whoever I was I was meant to be.

Hi, my name is Malinda and I have NO CLUE what I’m doing.